Ok, I need to prevent myself from crying here, and I am counteracting with some humor. Here's joke serie#1.
-*-*-*-to begin with, if anyone finds anything offensing, please tell me and I will delete the joke in question-*-*-*-
--A woman sits down and asks her boyfriend "quick, bring me some chocolate, its starting soon!"... He looks confused and hands her a chocolate bar. She gulps it up entirely that very moment too.
"hey, Hurry, up before it starts, bring me some chocolate again!!!".. He looks even more confused, Gets some truffles and brings them to her again. Again, she eats everything up in a minute and goes on:
"come on, hurry up, I need even more!!! move it!"
He loses his patience "dammit, what's up with you, if you keep on eating like this you'll fat like a cow before the end of the year!!!"
The woman "ah, it started!!!"
*****
At the elementary school, most of us get some religious education too. A grade 4 teacher asks to her students where God is.
-uhmm in heaven?
-Good
-In my heart?
-If you are being good, yes.
-In the toilet at home!!!
The teacher gets exhorbited and asks "why do you say that?!"
-Simple, in the morning, dad knocks at the toilet door and says "My God, you're STILL in there!!"
*****
A man gets back from work and gets all hot and cuddling to his wife while she's busy making the supper. "say hun, what if we try a new position tonight?" The wife: "sure!!! There are some clothes for you to iron, You can wash the dishes, wax the floors and I'll lay down on the couch with a beer and fart every second!"
*****
hmmm let me think further...
Nikkie's joke thread
-
Mat (of e30 fame)
Heres a tastless one - and its outdated too (I first heard it in the late 1990s):
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and little Miss Muffet have in common?
A. They've both got 'Kurds' in their 'way'.
And another:
George Bush Snr: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother...."
George W. Bush: "Whats that Dad?"
George Bush Snr: "I didn't pull out in time."
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and little Miss Muffet have in common?
A. They've both got 'Kurds' in their 'way'.
And another:
George Bush Snr: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother...."
George W. Bush: "Whats that Dad?"
George Bush Snr: "I didn't pull out in time."
-
NikkieRoxxx
Damn, yes, that's a concrete example that pulling out isn't a valid contraceptive measure!!! LOL HAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHHAAAAAAH!
Nikkie
--but ermmm let me continue with the jokes---
this guy goes to the wedding of his ex-wife.
During the party, he asks to her new husband "and, how do you find that used stock?"
The new groom answers "Amazing! For the first 6cm its sure used but passed it, its amazingly new!"
***********
A woman cooks in her kitchen, while her husband starts to fondle her and she tells him "quick, screw me!!!"
The man is all surprised, after all this time she wouldn't do it, that she asks it out of the blue: "now?!"
The wife answers "yes, I am cooking some quail eggs, the egg timer is broken and they are ready in about 3 minutes only"
***********
An old woman sees a couple walking on the street and notices that the man has the zipper of his pants open "hey, sir, your zipper is open!!".. the wife of the man "doesn't matter; a dead bird doesn't leave its nest!"
***********
A man is asking god about his wife:
-Why did you made her so beautiful?
-So you could admire her.
-Why does she smell so good?
-So that you like her smell!
-Why did you made her so stupid then?
-So that she can stand you!
***********
Nikkie
--but ermmm let me continue with the jokes---
this guy goes to the wedding of his ex-wife.
During the party, he asks to her new husband "and, how do you find that used stock?"
The new groom answers "Amazing! For the first 6cm its sure used but passed it, its amazingly new!"
***********
A woman cooks in her kitchen, while her husband starts to fondle her and she tells him "quick, screw me!!!"
The man is all surprised, after all this time she wouldn't do it, that she asks it out of the blue: "now?!"
The wife answers "yes, I am cooking some quail eggs, the egg timer is broken and they are ready in about 3 minutes only"
***********
An old woman sees a couple walking on the street and notices that the man has the zipper of his pants open "hey, sir, your zipper is open!!".. the wife of the man "doesn't matter; a dead bird doesn't leave its nest!"
***********
A man is asking god about his wife:
-Why did you made her so beautiful?
-So you could admire her.
-Why does she smell so good?
-So that you like her smell!
-Why did you made her so stupid then?
-So that she can stand you!
***********
-
Marquis Rex
- Newbee
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:47 am
- Location: United States
- Contact:
While we're on the subeject of sexist jokes:
Q:How do you know when your wife has died?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
Q:Why did God give women legs?
A: Have you SEEN the mess snails make?
Q: What does it mean if your wife keeping coming out of the kitchen to nag at you in the TV lounge/sitting room?
A: Her chain is too long!
Q:How do you know when your wife has died?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
Q:Why did God give women legs?
A: Have you SEEN the mess snails make?
Q: What does it mean if your wife keeping coming out of the kitchen to nag at you in the TV lounge/sitting room?
A: Her chain is too long!
Rear Wheel Drivers Do It Sideways...
1982 BMW 323i-2.7,schrick, forged pistons, Alpinas
1995 Porsche 993 Turbo
1970 Dodge Challenger 440 R/T
2003 Dodge Ram 1500 quad cab pick up
1982 BMW 323i-2.7,schrick, forged pistons, Alpinas
1995 Porsche 993 Turbo
1970 Dodge Challenger 440 R/T
2003 Dodge Ram 1500 quad cab pick up
-
NikkieRoxxx
Let's slam with some mother-in-law jokes, shall we?
-What's the diffrence with a mother in law and a pit bull?
-the mother in law has fake teeth...
What's even worse about the sister in law?
-she has NO fake teeth...
***
If you rearrange "MOTHER IN LAW" without adding or missing a letter, you will get "WOMAN HITLER' ...
***
A guy comes in a party and sees his host on the phone. "He's on the phone with his mother in law" says one of his friends... "how can you guess that?" "well he picked up, said hi and since a half hour he didn't say a word"...
***
What's a good description of "split feelings"? Seeing your mother in law driving in the ditch with your BMW...
Nikkie
-What's the diffrence with a mother in law and a pit bull?
-the mother in law has fake teeth...
What's even worse about the sister in law?
-she has NO fake teeth...
***
If you rearrange "MOTHER IN LAW" without adding or missing a letter, you will get "WOMAN HITLER' ...
***
A guy comes in a party and sees his host on the phone. "He's on the phone with his mother in law" says one of his friends... "how can you guess that?" "well he picked up, said hi and since a half hour he didn't say a word"...
***
What's a good description of "split feelings"? Seeing your mother in law driving in the ditch with your BMW...
Nikkie
-
Mat (of e30 fame)
-
NikkieRoxxx
-
NikkieRoxxx
geez, don't torture me, I see her constantly in my background... though she doesn't jump, she makes more than 80kg for not even 1,50m... [edit on that]She recently sat in the back of my car... she weighs a thick 110kg, if not more!...[/edit on that]
Nikkie
let's go on: what's the animal that lives the longest? a mother in law...
***
A guy to his friend in a bar: "geez, my mother in law is half crazy!!"
His friend "oh, she's getting better?"
***
A proud pitbull owner sees a guy he knows while he brings his dog to the vet "I am brigning him 'cuz he bit the mother in law"...
-you're crazy, you are not going to have him put down!?
-no no, I am going to have his teeth sharpen again
***
What's the dif between a MIL and chocolate?
-the chocolate constipates...
***
@ the zoo: "sir, sir, your mother in law fell in the crocodile pool!"
"Well they are YOUR crocodiles, save them yourself!"
***
Nikkie
let's go on: what's the animal that lives the longest? a mother in law...
***
A guy to his friend in a bar: "geez, my mother in law is half crazy!!"
His friend "oh, she's getting better?"
***
A proud pitbull owner sees a guy he knows while he brings his dog to the vet "I am brigning him 'cuz he bit the mother in law"...
-you're crazy, you are not going to have him put down!?
-no no, I am going to have his teeth sharpen again
***
What's the dif between a MIL and chocolate?
-the chocolate constipates...
***
@ the zoo: "sir, sir, your mother in law fell in the crocodile pool!"
"Well they are YOUR crocodiles, save them yourself!"
***
Last edited by NikkieRoxxx on Mon Mar 16, 2009 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
Blackadder
- E21 Fanatic
- Posts: 273
- Joined: Sun May 13, 2007 3:54 pm
- Location: Belgium
What do you do if your mother in law ticks on the window?
answer: Put the oven a little higher.....
What do you do if your mother in law wobbles towards you?
anwer:Shoot her again.....
answer: Put the oven a little higher.....
What do you do if your mother in law wobbles towards you?
anwer:Shoot her again.....
BMW E21 320A 1980 Banana Baur Koronagelb
BMW E21 318i 1981 M-edition Stratosblau
BMW Z3 2.0A 2000 Diamantschwartz
VW kever 1966 Javagreen VW kever 1967 pearlwhite
VW Passat cc 2.0 TDI 2010 Ijslandgrijs
Renault 4 F4 1983 beige (in restauratie)
BMW E21 318i 1981 M-edition Stratosblau
BMW Z3 2.0A 2000 Diamantschwartz
VW kever 1966 Javagreen VW kever 1967 pearlwhite
VW Passat cc 2.0 TDI 2010 Ijslandgrijs
Renault 4 F4 1983 beige (in restauratie)
-
NikkieRoxxx
