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Ok, I need to prevent myself from crying here, and I am counteracting with some humor. Here's joke serie#1.

-*-*-*-to begin with, if anyone finds anything offensing, please tell me and I will delete the joke in question-*-*-*-

--A woman sits down and asks her boyfriend "quick, bring me some chocolate, its starting soon!"... He looks confused and hands her a chocolate bar. She gulps it up entirely that very moment too.

"hey, Hurry, up before it starts, bring me some chocolate again!!!".. He looks even more confused, Gets some truffles and brings them to her again. Again, she eats everything up in a minute and goes on:

"come on, hurry up, I need even more!!! move it!"

He loses his patience "dammit, what's up with you, if you keep on eating like this you'll fat like a cow before the end of the year!!!"

The woman "ah, it started!!!"

*****

At the elementary school, most of us get some religious education too. A grade 4 teacher asks to her students where God is.

-uhmm in heaven?
-Good
-In my heart?
-If you are being good, yes.
-In the toilet at home!!!

The teacher gets exhorbited and asks "why do you say that?!"

-Simple, in the morning, dad knocks at the toilet door and says "My God, you're STILL in there!!"

*****
A man gets back from work and gets all hot and cuddling to his wife while she's busy making the supper. "say hun, what if we try a new position tonight?" The wife: "sure!!! There are some clothes for you to iron, You can wash the dishes, wax the floors and I'll lay down on the couch with a beer and fart every second!"

*****

hmmm let me think further...

Heres a tastless one - and its outdated too (I first heard it in the late 1990s):

Q. What do Saddam Hussein and little Miss Muffet have in common?
A. They've both got 'Kurds' in their 'way'.

And another:

George Bush Snr: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother...."
George W. Bush: "Whats that Dad?"
George Bush Snr: "I didn't pull out in time."

Damn, yes, that's a concrete example that pulling out isn't a valid contraceptive measure!!! LOL HAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHHAAAAAAH!

Nikkie

--but ermmm let me continue with the jokes---

this guy goes to the wedding of his ex-wife.
During the party, he asks to her new husband "and, how do you find that used stock?"
The new groom answers "Amazing! For the first 6cm its sure used but passed it, its amazingly new!"
***********

A woman cooks in her kitchen, while her husband starts to fondle her and she tells him "quick, screw me!!!"

The man is all surprised, after all this time she wouldn't do it, that she asks it out of the blue: "now?!"

The wife answers "yes, I am cooking some quail eggs, the egg timer is broken and they are ready in about 3 minutes only"
***********

An old woman sees a couple walking on the street and notices that the man has the zipper of his pants open "hey, sir, your zipper is open!!".. the wife of the man "doesn't matter; a dead bird doesn't leave its nest!"
***********

A man is asking god about his wife:
-Why did you made her so beautiful?
-So you could admire her.
-Why does she smell so good?
-So that you like her smell!
-Why did you made her so stupid then?
-So that she can stand you!
***********

While we're on the subeject of sexist jokes:

Q:How do you know when your wife has died?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

Q:Why did God give women legs?
A: Have you SEEN the mess snails make?

Q: What does it mean if your wife keeping coming out of the kitchen to nag at you in the TV lounge/sitting room?
A: Her chain is too long!

Let's slam with some mother-in-law jokes, shall we?

-What's the diffrence with a mother in law and a pit bull?
-the mother in law has fake teeth...
What's even worse about the sister in law?
-she has NO fake teeth...

***

If you rearrange "MOTHER IN LAW" without adding or missing a letter, you will get "WOMAN HITLER' ...

***

A guy comes in a party and sees his host on the phone. "He's on the phone with his mother in law" says one of his friends... "how can you guess that?" "well he picked up, said hi and since a half hour he didn't say a word"...

***

What's a good description of "split feelings"? Seeing your mother in law driving in the ditch with your BMW...

Nikkie

NikkieRoxxx wrote:
If you rearrange "MOTHER IN LAW" without adding or missing a letter, you will get "WOMAN HITLER' ...

I'm gald I haven't got a mother-in-law yet

...the nicest in that is now she's double my size... LOL

Nikkie

When can you give your mother-in-law a wink














When you're looking through the sight of your rifle....

Thanks for the tip! Will be in my "to do" list...

How do you relieve constipation? --put a photo of your mother-in-law in your toilet!

Nikkie

Like the mother-in-law joke thread Nikkie


What should you do when you see your mother-in-law stumbling in your back garden












Shoot again...

geez, don't torture me, I see her constantly in my background... though she doesn't jump, she makes more than 80kg for not even 1,50m... [edit on that]She recently sat in the back of my car... she weighs a thick 110kg, if not more!...[/edit on that]

Nikkie

let's go on: what's the animal that lives the longest? a mother in law...

***

A guy to his friend in a bar: "geez, my mother in law is half crazy!!"
His friend "oh, she's getting better?"

***

A proud pitbull owner sees a guy he knows while he brings his dog to the vet "I am brigning him 'cuz he bit the mother in law"...
-you're crazy, you are not going to have him put down!?
-no no, I am going to have his teeth sharpen again

***

What's the dif between a MIL and chocolate?
-the chocolate constipates...

***

@ the zoo: "sir, sir, your mother in law fell in the crocodile pool!"
"Well they are YOUR crocodiles, save them yourself!"

***

What do you do if your mother in law ticks on the window?

answer: Put the oven a little higher.....

What do you do if your mother in law wobbles towards you?

anwer:Shoot her again.....

What's the diffrence between testicles and door-to-door religious preachers?

They both come, but never get in.

micheal jackson has just announced his dates for his uk tour........
joe aged 4, david aged 6 and adrew aged 5

LMAO!!!

does he still owns a nose this one??

Nikkie